Prinzessin-Chapter 13

Months passed, and they were very, very joyous. Duncan an I were having a blast, simply living life to the most we could. It was simple really, we talked, we kissed, we made love. It was simply perfect. I couldn't ask for anything better then what I had.

Well, actually taking time to think about it, I could. I wanted us to leave this camp, then to get a nice, big place somewhere out in the country; somewhere where nobody would ever bother us. No Nazis, no guards, no rules, just the carefree life of a husband and wife. Giggling at the thought, I wondered how exactly Duncan and I could get married. We'd have to change our names, of course, but that would just be for the outside world. Maybe I'd have to change my appearance; for Duncan, I wouldn't mind. Besides, it wasn't like I hadn't made sacrifices for him before. I suppose I could take the role of a simple country girl, or a housewife, if necessary; of course, this would imply that Duncan wanted to have children, which for now, he didn't. I was more than willing to wait years, and years to get married and have kids. For now, what we had between us was more than enough.

I wondered how exactly Duncan and I would escape from here. I suppose, we would have to escape through the forest. I wouldn't mind, when the time came. As long as I had a clear future ahead of us, things would go fine.

Yet I know that I needed to leave soon. Life in camp was becoming almost unbearable. While the vomiting had cut back, my stomach had begun to ache constantly, seeming to take the constant vomit's place. Maybe it was from the constant food I kept eating. The mix of camp food, and what I had been acquiring from Duncan, weren't mixing in so well. I shouldn't have been complaining so much. I was finally gaining weight back and rather quickly at that. The food that Duncan supplied me with was the perfect solution for my bony body, stomach pains pushed aside.

I had been selfish, very, very selfish last month when I had literally begged him for food. I had been so hungry for the past few days; I simply didn't know what came over me. Despite my shame, my mind began to recall the simply humiliating evening.

"Why do you look so distant, my Engel? Have I done something wrong?" I bitterly looked up from my spot on his bed, feeling angry beyond all reason. Of course I was angry at him. How could he just sit there, and watch me starve to death!? Couldn't he see the sharp bones protruding out of my stomach, and elbows, and back? Wasn't he even remotely worried about me?

"I'm fine," I spit out bitterly, looking down at the dingy floor while wiping my runny nose. Why couldn't he clean the damned floor? Didn't he know what germs were on it? Especially after we made love? No wonder I was getting so sick. Yet the vibrant rumbling of my stomach reminded me otherwise. His hand grasped my chin immediately, forcing me to look into his mesmerizing eyes.



"You're not fine, so cut the bullshit and spit it out," he barked in my face, already upset with the way I was behaving. That was odd; usually he wouldn't get so angry with my attitude, just frustrated. Growling slightly, I remembered that he had no reason to be angry. I was the one who had every reason in the world to be upset with him. Some love; he didn't even care about my well-being.



"Who are you to tell me what to do?!" I demanded, slapping his hand away from my face.  His expression turned to hurt when I slapped him, yet he quickly recovered and regained his angry composure.



"I am your partner, and as your partner, I have that fucking right!" No he didn't! If he was my partner, then he would care that I was starving to death!



"Oh, is that what we are now!?"



"I thought we were, before you became an even bigger hundin than you were before!" I gasped before smacking him across the cheek swiftly. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. Looking at his face, the handprint stood out like blood against his pale complexion. Uttering out a choked whimper, my hand flew to my throat, preparing for him to either beat me, or shoot me, or rape me. Or all of the above, you could never tell with him.



But he didn't do any of those things. He merely looked at me with a beyond hurt and confused expression planted on his gorgeous face. "Prinzessin," he uttered, his voice taking on the same tone that his expression projected. Before I knew it, I'd burst into tears, collapsing on the floor. I didn't know why I'd done it; all of a sudden the grief came over me, rendering me helpless.



"I-I'm sorry! I d-didn't mean it!" I sobbed into my hands, afraid he was going to leave me again and make me live my life alone.



"Shh, shh, there's nothing to cry about," he soothed. "It's okay, I forgive you; you were just caught in the heat of the moment, and what I said was out of line. I'm sorry. But there's no need to cry, so please stop," he urged, crouching beside me and holding me tight. I only cried harder.



"I-I'm just so, freaking hungry all the time! I'm always throwing up because the food isn't sanitary, and I never get enough of it! I mean, how could you not notice?! I'm fucking skin and bones! I need food, Duncan! And you don't do anything about it!" I yelled, beating on him with my weak fists. He tried to get a word in, to try and bullshit me with weak excuses and lies, but I wouldn't let him.



"Please, Duncan!" I begged, on my hands and knees in a begging position. "Please! I'll do anything! J-just…make the hunger stop…make me healthy again," I concluded, my voice turning into a weak, desperate whimper. I couldn't bear look at his face, to see what he thought of me. He probably wanted to kick me out right now. But he didn't do that.



"Why…why didn't you tell me you were starving?" he asked, his voice sounding off.



"I…I didn't…I thought you knew…you see me every day…so…" I sniffled, trying to wipe away the pathetic, unexpected tears. He helped me up gently, planting a kiss on my pale forehead.



"All you had to do was ask, and I would've given it to you. If I could, I would give you the world, my Channa," he said smoothly, his eyes earnest and truthfully backing up every word that came out of his mouth.



"Thank you," I whispered, hugging him tightly.



Groaning, I decided to put the awful memory behind me; it was of no use now. And I had gotten what I wanted, so that was fine. No, it was more than fine. It was perfect.



Soon, soon I would tell him I love him. He'd been acting rather distant and off lately, so hopefully the words would more than cheer him up. I wished to know why he looked at me so oddly over the past few days; and why he held onto me longer, and kissed me with more passion too. I figured that he loved me just as much, and didn't want to lose me.



I was less than satisfied with the way he'd been treating me lately, but I couldn't do much about it. I was confused as to why he would look at me for long periods of time, often not saying anything. I was confused as to why he would just sit there and hold me, stroke my hair, and rarely plant a kiss on my head, but in silence, and for very long visits of time. More than once he hadn't spoken a word to me during a visit, simply sat there and held me.



I'd tried to say something, on more than one occasion, but he didn't seem to hear me. He seemed to look right through me, not paying much attention to what I wanted to do anymore.



Hopefully things would change within a couple of days. If not, I didn't know what I'd do.



o 0 O 0 o

Walking to Duncan's room, a couple of days later, I knew I was ready. Tonight, I was going to tell him I love him. It was the right time exactly. I knew our relationship could only get better if I told him I love him, and I was prepared for the challenges we would face once I uttered those three special words out of my mouth.


Hopefully he would speak to me today. Hopefully he would look at me, and not through me. Hopefully he would return those fateful words, with as much enthusiasm as I hoped I would speak mine. I wanted him to say nothing at first, then sweep me up in his arms, plant a meaningful kiss on my lips, repeat those endearing words, then lay me down on his bed, and start to make eternal love to me.



Hiding the huge smile that were about to play out on my lips, I knocked briefly on the door, waiting for him to pull me inside like he'd done so often. Yet…he didn't this time. No matter, I thought to myself. It's happened before; recently too. I pushed the door open and walked inside, closing the door behind me softly. "Duncan?"



He was sitting on his bed, head bowed down, refusing to look up at me. Slightly hurt that he wouldn't even look up at me, even when I spoke, I walked over to him and rubbed his tense back gently. "Duncan, what's wrong?" I asked worriedly, rubbing circles into his shoulder blade with my thumb. His back didn't relax or ease as it usually did when I touched him; as a matter of fact, it tensed further. Now more worried, my heart started beating rapidly, unsure what was going on with him.



"D-Duncan? Can you please look at me? You're hurting me." Gradually, he lifted his head to look at me; and it seemed hours before he did. Yet he looked at me like he'd been doing lately; right through me. I grabbed his hands, panicking a little when they were freezing cold, and rubbed them gently as a way to get him to feel better.



"Duncan…I have something to tell you…" I spoke slowly, getting more confident with each of my words. Yet he looked away, those dazzling blue eyes unfocused on anything. Grabbing his chin, and literally forcing it to look at me, he finally did, his eyes boring into my own strongly.



"Duncan…I…I…"



"You what?" he asked, his voice oddly bleak, and worn out. This was it. I was going to tell him I love him. After all of the time we spent together, after absolutely everything we'd been through, this was it. This would be the start of all our time together; the start of our real lives. This would be the start of our future, where we would get married, and have friends, and maybe even have a couple of children.



Our lives would go perfect from here. We would escape together, through the forest, stopping only to sleep and make passionate love to one another. Then we would run far, far away, to the outskirts of Germany, or Poland, or even France for goodness-sakes! Just as long as we could live in the country, I wouldn't care. The country-side would be perfect; private, and homey, and comforting beyond belief.



We would go into the city only once; to change our names, and to get married. Courtney Esther Ehrlichmann. Mrs. Ehrlichmann. Mrs. Courtney Esther Politzer-Ehrlichmann. It sounded so lovely, so hopeful. Oh, we would have darling times together, I just knew it.



Laying a hand upon his face delicately, I stroked his stubble, making sure to savor this moment and to engrave it into our memory. This very moment would begin everything, absolutely everything. Taking a deep breath, I calmed my speeding heart and looked at him with all the love, and admiration I could muster.



"Duncan…I love you," I spoke softly, but made sure it was loud enough for him to hear. His body froze, and he seemed to look right through me again before completely looking away. I smiled, figuring he was probably just shocked from the word I had just emitted. Who wouldn't have been shocked? If he had told me he'd loved me, I would've been shocked as well. I mean, look at us; a Nazi soldier, and a prisoner Jew, in love. I fought back a giggle at the ridiculous thought, and simply waited for him to recover.



Only, he didn't.



I gently ran my fingers along his shoulder, trying to calm him down. "Duncan? Darling?"



He didn't respond, and seemed to continue to remain stone.



"Duncan," I spoke hesitantly, slowly. "C-could you please answer me? Please?" Slowly, with as much stiffness as he could, he turned his head to look at me, no emotion present on his face.



"What do you want me to say?" he asked bitterly, a cloud of hatred present on his face. I was taken aback and immediately removed my hand from his shoulder, becoming quite scared and worried of the way he was acting. Why was he acting like this? Why didn't he tell me he loved me back? I knew he did, I just knew it. He had to love me.



"I…T-that you love me back?" I squeaked, entirely unsure now of my answer upon seeing the pure mockery and detest in his eyes. What had happened to my Duncan?



"Why on earth would I love you? Honestly, Courtney, how could you think of something as stupid as that? You should know that you are nothing more to me than a sex toy. Absolutely nothing." I tried to stop the tears swelling in my eyes after hearing this. He had to be lying! He had to be playing some cruel, sick, inhumane joke on me! I knew I meant more to him than a sex toy! Why was he acting as if the last five or six months of our time hadn't happened!?

"Y-you're lying," I spoke feebly, trying to cover up the quaver in my voice. My body was trembling from utter fear, not knowing what exactly was going on. Any minute now, I tried to assure myself. Any minute now he would quickly hug me and pull me close and assure me he loved me profusely.



"I don't lie. You are a Jew, and I am a German. The fact that you could even consider us to be in love is the damn right, stupidest thing you've ever done; stupider than talking and falling in love with that drecksau, Yaacov." I honestly tried to keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes, but I couldn't stop my lower lip from trembling, unable to hide the hurt in my eyes.



So it wasn't a joke. He really didn't love me. These past few months were a joke, and I was absolutely nothing more than a fool. Nothing more than an absolute, crazy fool like I'd always been, and would never stop being. I thought I'd learned what it was really like to be in love, but I was wrong. I'd never know what it was like to be in love, because I was stupid.



"Yes Sir.." I answered, unable to keep the hurt and the pain out of my voice.



"Doesn't matter anyway. There's no point in being sad; you'll be gone tomorrow, and you'll never see me again." My head snapped up to look at him, confused by his words. What did he mean he was never going to see me again? Of course I would see him again: in hell. Did that mean he would stop seeing me? Was he going to find another Jacqueline?



"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly, worry planted in my eyes. He chuckled and looked at me darkly; hiding any emotion he was feeling with utter coldness.



"You're being shipped off into a new camp. You'll never see me again. It's been fun, my little kind. But ah well. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen." My lip quivered again, and I could barely stop the tears from leaving my eyes.



"H-how long have you known about this?" He shrugged, standing up from the bed and grabbing his jacket.



"A couple of months. But I've always known we would never last. Such a shame," he spoke, not sounding shameful in the least. He'd known all along? That I was simply going to leave him? That we would never last? That we were simply prolonging the inevitable?



Utter hurt swept through my system as I lowered my head, feeling very ashamed. What future would I have? No future. As soon as I was shipped off to that camp, I would surely slip up and make a mistake, then be sent off to be killed. And you know what? I wouldn't have minded. Without Duncan, my life would be an positively, absolute hell, with nothing left to live for.



Said man came to me and looked at me for a couple of seconds, probably burning the image in his mind so he would at least remember the good sex he had. I couldn't look up at him and face him; it wasn't worth it. I would always love him, always remember him. I wouldn't forget the memories he gave me, I wouldn't forget the dreams he had given me. I wouldn't forget the first time we had made love to one another; I wouldn't forget our first, real kiss. I wouldn't forget the way he took care of me when I was feeling under the weather, or the way he told me stories and crooned my name in my ears. I wouldn't forget the lessons he had taught me, and the rules I had so taken pains to obey.



And most of all, I wouldn't forget the way he made me feel free again, like I was actually going somewhere in life. Because I would always love him, always. And I would never forget.



I became aware of a presence very close to me, and from my peripheral vision, I saw him bend down, and I felt his chaste, yet meaningful kiss on my hair. "I will never forget you, Channa," he whispered, before walking out and leaving me in absolute nothingness.



This time, I didn't dare try to stop the tears from leaking out of my eyes, and the sobs that so wanted to escape my throat.