Prinzessin--Epilogue

Three years.
Three years she'd been dead, and I'd only followed suit in her path, three years later. I had no regrets for dying; I'd fought hard, and it was only fair that I lose. I was a monster, after all. All of us were.
After Courtney had died, I'd gone back home. I wouldn't kill anyone else; I was a monster in the worst kind, and I wouldn't be committing such crimes anymore. My father was happy to have me home, and demanded long, winded stories of my time in the army. I wouldn't talk to him; I went upstairs and considered hanging myself, just to be with Courtney and Channa.
I'd often wondered if I would join them up there, in heaven. I was still waiting, in the purgatory. They had taken all my life into account, and had told me that the answer would take a number of days to receive. So I'd been stuck in the purgatory, for a week, just waiting to hear that I'd be sent to the deepest, darkest corners of hell.  It was inevitable, I knew that, but it didn't matter. I knew I'd never be forgiven and allowed to be with Courtney and my daughter again. I knew I'd committed too many times to be allowed such a significant, meaningful privilege.
"Duncan James Ehrlichmann." I raised my head from my palms and looked up at the shadowy figure calling my name. My eyes were dull and bland, merely waiting for the words to be spoken. I was going to be hopeless and alone for the rest of my life. "You've made trial. We've taken your being into account and have come to a decision that you will be put on a trial period. You will go up above, and prove yourself worthy of staying there. If you do not prove yourself worthy, you shall be sent straight down, never to return upward again; is that clear?"
"Yes Ma'am," I spoke, my body rigid, waiting to hear the words that would drive me over the edge, the words that proved that what she was saying was too good to be true; too good to be real. The shadowy woman glared at me, giving me a once-over before pointing to a door that had seemed to appear out of nowhere. Nobody else besides me had noticed the door, and I stepped through it with ease. Remembering that I should thank the woman, I turned around, only to find that the door had vanished, leaving me in this unfamiliar, undeserving (of myself, that is) world. I turned back around, only to become wide eyed at my surroundings.
I didn't want to take note of it, nor remember the beautiful scenery that met my eyes, because I knew I didn't deserve to be here, much less stay longer than necessary. I walked around for a little while, unsure of my surroundings, before coming across a pretty barren area, situated with only a stump. Deciding it would be the most deserving of a schmuck such as myself (I remembered how Courtney had teasingly called me that once, and only now did I realize that it was the truth) I sat down, burying my head in my hands.
Why had they put me here? Didn't they take notice that I had been a Nazi? Didn't they see the large stamps displaying of how I had killed hundreds of people, not excluding women and children? Didn't they especially take notice of how I had been the one to send my daughter to her death? Sucking in a deep breath, I waited until the stinging had lessened. Every single time I thought about little Channa, it would seem my heart would be slashed yet another time. That was my biggest and ultimate regret; killing her. I didn't deserve to see her now, even though I would've given up everything in my right to see her once more, and to apologize for the crime I committed. I just wanted to hold her once; to whisper that I loved her, and that I was so, so incredibly sorry for what I had done to her poor, innocent soul. Groaning, I knew the stinging feeling wouldn't disappear anytime soon, and buried my face deeper in my hands, knowing that I was deserving of the pain.
"What do you have to groan about?" And when I lifted my head the stinging had swelled a thousand fold, as I looked into the face of the woman I loved with all my heart. She was different; almost entirely different. The last time I'd seen her, she was gaunt and dying. Her body had been devoid of nearly all muscle and fat, most of it had gone to the baby inside of her. Her face had been pale; then tan complexion having faded since long ago. And most importantly, she had looked at me with all the love in the world.
Now, she was so different, I nearly cried at the sight of her; she was that beautiful. Her body was full figured, all the curves in all the right places, and so flawless it seemed illogical. Her eyes gleamed with such a spark that I remembered, and if it wasn't for the hostility in every single aspect of her features, I would say she was glowing, and the epitome picture of health. And her hair…damn, I'd never remembered her hair like this. It was long again; I barely remembered her with long hair. But overall, she was beautiful, and it broke my heart.
Except for one little aspect.
This time, she looked at me with all the hate in the universe.
"Prinzessin…" her eyes sparked, and before I knew it she'd come forward and slapped me straight across the cheek. It hurt; oh, it fucking hurt. She'd only slapped me once other than this time in our lives, but this hurt ten times more; and especially because I knew I deserved it. I hung my head in shame, not even bothering to try and lessen the stinging, burning pain on my cheek.
"I don't ever want to hear you call me that again, you selfish, inhumane, beast." With every word that came out of her mouth, it felt like somebody was shooting me in the heart, over and over and over again. I didn't know what to say to her; I didn't know if I could say anything that wouldn't end up with her massacring me. Honestly, I didn't blame her.
"Courtney…I…I…"
"You what? Broke your promise to me? Proved that I was worth nothing to you? Took my one last request and shoving it in my dead face by killing our daughter? The daughter who'd loved you, so very much, despite what you'd done. But that wasn't good enough for you, was it? No, it clearly wasn't, because you'd disrespected us all. What else could you possibly have to say?" Every word she spoke about little Channa nearly sent me into a fit; one that I was sure I wouldn't be able to come out of for many hours. I felt the worst then, just thinking about how I'd hurt her and Courtney both.
"And you know what else? I told her. As little as she is, I told her you killed her and sent her here, because she's a smart baby, and she deserved to know about the brute her father is." My eyes closed, fighting back unwanted tears at those words. Could I ever see my daughter again? Did she hate me now for killing her? How old was she, anyways?
"I know you're angry with me…I know what I did was…unspeakable. I know I have no excuse…but at the time I was angry, and it was her fault, and I thought she deserved it—"
"She deserved it!?" That was all she needed to say before she jumped on me, punching, kicking me to a point of senseless pain; that's how unbearable the pain was, I couldn't feel it anymore. I didn't fight back, or resist her abusive manner; I deserved it. I deserved it all. "You stupid asshole! You sick German schmeisser! That was our baby! The baby I died giving birth to! The baby I trusted you with! How could you kill her!? How could you live with yourself!? I expected you to kill yourself soon after, maybe that was your motive, so we could all be together in here. But no! You kept living! Three fucking years you kept living!" She paused here to punch me in the face and knee me in the groin. "You cried, and you cried, for hours on end! You should've killed yourself! I would've forgiven you if you did! But no, you died in battle, like the perfect fucking soldier you are. Isn't that right, Honey? Well fuck you!" She punched me again, finished with her ranting for the moment. Her chest heaved up and down heavily, unshed tears shining in her eyes.
Oddly enough, I wasn't bleeding, or injured in any way. The pain was still there, but I wasn't really harmed. I suppose that's how it works up here. My mind whirled around with the words she had spoken to me; I knew she'd hated me. It was that obvious. Sighing, I clutched my stomach where she had punched me, trying to ease the pain. "Is…she here? With you?"
She snorted, standing up—and making sure she stepped on my stomach in the process. "Of course she's here. But you aren't going to see her. Not now, not ever." My heart shattered at these words and I hung my head, knowing I deserved nothing less. I killed my daughter; I didn't deserve to see her. "How'd you even manage to get into here, anyways? I thought you'd be first in line to get into hell."
"I…I don't know…I was in purgatory for awhile though…she said something like I'm here on trial…"
"You don't deserve to be on trial. You deserve to rot in hell you slimy, sick bastard." I nodded my head, standing up and closing my eyes. "I know. You don't have to tell me that what I did was wrong. I already know that."
"Oh, really now? I don't think you do. You… you sent our daughter to her death…you broke your promise to me…I thought you loved her…"
"I did love her! I still do love her, I really do! I'm sorry! I know it was the wrong decision! I was angry, okay!? She killed you! She killed you Courtney! I didn't mean to end her life! It was such a terrible decision…and I regret it…so much…" One look at her face and I knew that my words made no difference in her livid tirade. I knew my apologies were futile. I'd killed our daughter…there was nothing I could do about it. I should have killed myself, I really should have. It would have been the fair thing to do. I knew my words would not have mattered to her. I knew I was never going to be able to see my daughter again; so why wasn't I being sent to Hell now?
"There's no way you could love her. You killed her. You killed my daughter and denied her a life she was owed to have. I suffered nine months. Nine freaking months. That's how long I suffered, and she didn't even get a life out of it. What did she get? A one way ticket to death. I don't care how much you regret it, you killed her, and it was wrong. She should've been enough for you. She should have kept you happy. But she wasn't good enough for you, was she? Just like me. I meant nothing…" the heartbroken look on her face was just too much for me to handle.  My face saddened as I took a step towards her, embracing her close and planting a kiss on her lips before she could even comprehend what was happening. She pulled away almost immediately, almost, and stared at me with a hurt expression, before bringing her hand up and smacking me straight across the face. It hurt, yes, it hurt a lot. But it didn't hurt as much as the previous one. It seemed, more saddened and halfhearted rather than hostile.
"J-just….go away…you stupid…jerk..." her voice was choked up with unshed tears, and I desperately wanted to console her. Yet I pushed the feeling back as I stared at her. "I'm not going until you let me see Channa." She glared at me, almost daring me to say that again.
"You're not getting anywhere near my baby." I glared right back at her.
"She's mine too."
"You killed her. You have no say in seeing her."
"I know I killed her! It kills me enough as it is without you rubbing it in my face!"
"I deserve to rub it in your face! You betrayed me, you betrayed us! You killed everything we ever had!" My eyes widened, sucking in a breath.
"I know. But I still love you." Her eyes widened for about a second before she glared right at me. "I hate you, and I'll never, ever, ever forgive you." My eyes saddened, having never expected her to never forgive me.
"There isn't anything I could do to change your mind?"
"No. You chose your fate when you called those stupid men to kill her. We're through. Forever. And you will never see her ever. Not once. You've hurt her enough. I hope you're happy with your life as it is, because that's the way it's going to stay. Goodbye, Duncan." And with that said she began to walk away. My heart started beating, to the point where I couldn't see straight, not able to continue here without Courtney and Channa. Blindly I grabbed her arm, desperation clearly written all over my face.
"You can't do this to me! You can't leave me! You can't! I'm nothing without you!" She scowled at me, trying to pull her arm away. "If we really meant something to you, you would have done everything in your power to be with us again.
"Stop being such a bitch about this! I fucking love you! I said I'm sorry, and all I want to do is see her again! I want to apologize to her! I want to see her pretty little angel face again! Just once!"
"You aren't in control of me anymore. I'm in control of you. You aren't going to see her, and that is final. You're lucky I'm even talking to you right—"Suddenly she whipped her head around, eyes wide in alarm. Faintly, I could hear the constant pitter patter of tiny footsteps, coming nearer to us.
"Mama! Mama!" My eyes widened, and I braced myself. Could it be….? This tiny little thing was running towards us, waving frantically, a huge smile on her face and bunch of flowers held tightly in her tiny hands. As she ran closer, I knew immediately who she was. Her wide blue eyes shone brilliantly on her pale baby face, going along perfectly with the broad smile she was displaying. Her hair hung down her back in perfect, flawless curls, not a tangle in sight and a bright pink ribbon nested at the top. She was just...all around perfect; a perfect, flawless Angel.  One that I really, really didn't deserve to lay eyes on.
I watched with a tearing heart as our daughter ran into her mother's arms, hugging her tightly and planting two kisses on each of her cheeks; those should have been my kisses. I should have been the one she was running to for a strong embrace. She should have loved me, just as well as Courtney. But I'd killed her, so obviously killed the soul that had deserved to breathe and see the light of day for more than a few mere hours.
I didn't know what had come over me. All I knew that all of a sudden, I was kneeling on the floor, clutching my head while salty drops of water were trickling down rapidly down my face and the strangest sobs were coming out of my throat.
She didn't know me, she didn't recognize me. Of course she didn't…I'd never thought that she would, but on the other hand but I'd wanted her to see me and love me and hold me so badly. I'd messed up. I was just one, big screw up. That's what I was. I didn't deserve to be loved, not by anyone. I was a monster, a sick, selfish, brutal monster. I couldn't see anything in front of me; all I knew was that the tears were still running down my cheeks, and the world was spinning.
"Mama, who's he?" A small voice squeaked, yet it didn't cease my unexplainable grief. "He's nobody, Channa," the girl who had once loved me with all her heart spoke, cold and bitter with her words. "Let's go. Papa wanted to see the flowers you picked for him." Slow footsteps walked away from my situated position, and I know knew that I was alone. I was all alone, and I might as well do something to get sent to Hell. I didn't deserve to be here. Not among the living.
I sat there for a while, not saying anything, just letting what was left of my world crumble beneath my trembling fingers. After awhile, the aroma of flowers wafted in my nose, and I winced, not deserving to have something so pleasant privileging me. "I know who you are, you know." A small voice trilled and I resisted looking at its beholder. It couldn't be. She wouldn't have come back for me. And there was no way she could ever know about me. She was much too little to have remembered what I looked like, much less who I was.
"I can't believe that. You shouldn't know me," I spoke, surprisingly with a steady voice.
"You're my daddy, aren't you?"
"…Yes." Slowly, I lifted my head to look at her, meeting her curious gaze.
"Why're you crying?" she trilled softly, putting her hand on my cheek and wiping away a stray tear. She'd touched me. I couldn't believe it, and merely stared into her blue eyes.  "Why aren't you talking, Daddy? Why do you just sit, and stare, and keep crying? Don't you want to talk to me?" My mouth hung open, and I tried my hardest to form words and force them to come out; she deserved words, comforting, soothing words that would take the pain and sorrow out of her voice.
"Channa…please…it's not that at all…"
"Do you want to talk, Daddy?" I looked at the small girl in front of me with sheer astonish in my eyes, amazed that she knew everything, yet treated me so calmly. "I…don't think I deserve it. I'm sorry." Yet she grabbed my hand anyways and tried with all her might to pull me up; if the situation hadn't been so grave on my end, I would have laughed.
"Daddy, I want to talk. Please? For me? I'll give you a chance, I swear…" I sighed and let her pull me upwards, proceeding to drag me towards a fat tree before motioning me to sit. I sighed and rested my chin on the palm of my hand, gazing at her, just amazed at how friendly she was being.
"How much do you know?" I asked silently, tearing my eyes from her rosy face,
"I know everything, Daddy…" I hummed bitterly and kept my gaze downward, not daring to look up into her assumedly sad face. Why shouldn't she be upset with me? I killed her. "Why won't you look up at me? Don't you wanna talk to me? Am I not…worthy of looking at?" Every word she spoke plunged the knife deeper into what was left of my heart, and I cringed, again, and again, and again.
"Channa…"
"Why'd you kill me, Daddy!?" she exclaimed, making my head snap up to stare at her with utter hurt. "Wasn't I good enough, for you? Wasn't I pretty enough? Did…you not want me? Was I…that unholy? That evil?" I saw the pain in her eyes. I watched in utter horror as a tear slipped down her pale cheek until it fell off her wan face. How could I ever explain to her how much I did want her, and did love her, more than she would ever know?
"Channa…, please, don't cry, Darling …I'll explain everything…" What was there to explain? That she was right? That I hadn't wanted her, back then? That I'd thought every one of those very things about her? Maybe there really was nothing to explain. She sniffled, wiping her runny nose on the back of her hand.
"Alright, fine. You can explain. I want to know why you killed me; I want to know why you gave me up. I want to know why I couldn't mean something to you, when Mama meant so much to you…I can see it, in your eyes." How old was she, anyways, to be talking in such a serious and hurt manner? How much I had missed of her small, baby years; I would've given anything I had to have them back.
"I…I'm sorry. I know, it doesn't mean much…but, you want the whole truth?" She nodded slowly, and I took a deep breath before continuing. "I'd never stopped thinking about you, or loving you, since the day I'd…sent you to your death. Your mother…I loved her. I still do, with all my heart. She was, and still is my entire world, and she meant so, so much to me. And…I didn't want to share her; so when she told me she was expecting you, I overreacted and thought I'd ruined her life and stormed out. But I came back, because I loved her. She was sick; very, very sick. I knew that if she gave birth, she would die. I didn't want to believe it, but it was the truth. And that's why I hated you, right before you were born. Yet, when I held you…in my arms…for the very first time…" I paused, swallowing the small lump in my throat. "You were something, little Channa. I'd loved you, right from when I first looked into your pretty, little blue eyes. I'd forgotten about everything, as I'd held you…I couldn't believe I was a father. But I wanted to be, only for you…"
"So…I don't understand…why did you kill me, then, if you'd loved me?" she choked softly, looking down at the grassy floor.
"Because your mother died, a little while after. And I'd overreacted, and blamed you, because I had the pride of a devil, back then. And…I thought you should be killed off….but I was wrong; so unbelievably wrong. It's the one thing I would change, given the chance. I would have kept you living. I would have taken care of you, and given you a loving home that you deserved. I missed so much of your life, already, little Channa. I'd never gotten to see your first smile, nor your first steps, nor your first words…and now you stand and talk before me, like a little lady. I'm so sorry, Channa…
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you…I'm sorry I betrayed you and your mother, I'm sorry I wasn't able to be the father that you deserved. I'm sorry that your mother now hates me now with all the hate in her heart, but I deserve it. I don't deserve to look upon such an angel as you, I didn't deserve to give you your beautiful name, I don't deserve to be such an unworthy father. I'm sorry I—"
"Daddy?" My eyes looked up at her, noticing she was right next to me now, instead of a few feet away. She stroked her small hand along my cheek, almost curiously.
"Yes, Channa?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For sending me here, to be with Mama, and her Papa. I know you love me plenty…but Mama needed me. And I needed her. I knew you'd come here eventually, and we would be one happy family again. Thank you, Daddy. And…I love you, no matter what Mama says. I forgive you, too." Those were all the words I needed to hear before I grabbed her arm and yanked her close, hugging her tightly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and wouldn't let go, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I sat her on my lap and cried into her soft hair, hugging her tightly to me.

She loves me, and she forgave me.
God bless her soul, for forgiving the person who killed her.
"Daddy….Daddy please, don't cry. I'm alright, you're okay now. You're okay. Daddy, please…stop crying…for me?" I ceased my tears and pulled back to look at her, her face creased in worry, unsure of what to do or why I was crying. She wiped away the lingering tears gently with her small thumb, kissing my cheek tenderly afterwards. "I don't understand, Daddy…there's no reason to cry. I'm happy…I got to finally have a daddy that loves me." I cupped her small chin in my hand and kissed her cheeks, happy at my daughter's beaming smile.
"My sweet baby…I love you, so, so much. It means the world that you forgive me, and I swear, from now on, I'll be here for you. No matter what; not even if your mother won't let you see me, I will sneak away and brave through the dangers, just to be with you…" This time she was the eager one who thrust her arms around my neck and started to cry. "You mean it Daddy? You really mean it?" I kissed her hair and hugged her back just as tight.
"Of course I mean it, Channa. I won't leave you again. I swear." We sat like that for a while, with her on my lap, wrapped safely, out of harm's way in my tight embrace.
Never again would I be so foolish enough to let her go.
o 0 O 0 o
Frantically running around, I called out for my daughter again, looking under this tree, and that bush, just to find her. I hadn't seen her leave the house; she hadn't told me where she was going. What if she'd run away? What if she'd gotten into trouble?
Considering her father was in town, now, I ran around faster, urgently calling out for my sweet baby to come back to me. I swore from the day that we both landed here I'd never let her out of my sight, and now she was gone. I swore under my breath, proceeding to call out for her again.
To no use; she was gone.
What if Duncan had kidnapped her? The thought made a large pit swell in my stomach as I collapsed on a tree stump. He wouldn't have done such a thing…would he? I didn't trust him anymore; not in the least, considering he'd killed our daughter, and now that he was trying so hard to get her back. I wouldn't trust him with her; not for the world.
He didn't deserve her. Not after what he'd done. The fact that he got to lay eyes on her was more than unnecessary, and he was lucky enough to get what he did. That should have been enough. It was more than he deserved. I stood up again, running my hand through my hair before spinning around, trying to locate my daughter once more.
"Channa." I spun around, only to come face to face with Papa, and my face slumped in distress. He beckoned me to come forward and I did, hugging him tightly and allowing him to kiss my head and rub the small of my back.
"Papa, I can't find her…I swore I'd never let her out of my sight…and…and…" I sniffled, unable to go on if I wanted my eyes to refrain from tearing.  
"Shh…don't worry, Darling. She's probably playing in some valley or something, and will be home by dinner. She'll be back."
"And what if she's with her father? Then what? I don't want him next to her! Not after what he did…"My eyes creased as I leaned my head into Papa's shoulder.
"So what if she is? I know you've been watching him, all this time. I know you still love him, Baby. I think we both know he's paid his price. He deserves to have his daughter."
"No, he most certainly does not! He killed her, Papa! He killed her! He broke her heart…"
"Don't you mean he broke your heart? Channa forgave him, a long time ago."
"Well…not this Channa…I can't forgive him. I just…can't. He broke me…" Papa chuckled suddenly and patted my cheek, removing himself from our embrace and strolling over a few feet before grinning madly at me.
"You know that's not true anymore. You love him. You'll forgive him, and soon too. I know you will. And then, you'll have another child." I turned red immediately and began to sputter; amazed that he would even say such an impudent thing. He merely chuckled again and pointed off to a distance.  "She's there. I know she is. Now go, and I'll make dinner tonight."
"You can't cook."
"Ah, Channa, but for you I'll try." I giggled and blew him a kiss, turning around and walking to the direction he'd pointed.
"Channa!? Darling, where are you!?"I raced back to where I first saw Duncan; if he was still there, she was probably with him.
Gone.
He wasn't there. And neither was she. I looked around frantically, before my eyes spotted them; both of them. They were sleeping under a Wide birch tree, Hawthorn trees surrounding the Birch, with a large amount of Heather flowers nested in the entire area. My eyes softened at the sight of them cuddled in each other's arms, his fingers entwined in her long hair, arms around her protectively.
He really did love her.
She really had forgiven him.
And if she could…then there was no reason why I couldn't
Smiling softly, I plucked a Heather flower from the ground, and nested it in one of his open palms. I bent down quietly, and whispered "If you'd like to join us, we'll be having dinner in a few hours. We can talk about where we really stand, then." I knew he heard me, based on the smile on his face, and quietly walked away.
Things would finally be okay.